The Mommy Guilt The Baby Books Forget to Warn You About

It seems to change with every generation, but currently, all the baby books highly encourage breastfeeding. They tell you how it's the best nutrition for the baby, how it forms a bond between mother and baby, how it provides all the antibodies to help the new baby fight of all the germs they're suddenly exposed to. I agreed with all the "experts" had to say. I was on board. I wanted to breastfeed for a year, at which time I imagined she would start to self-wean.

When Mia was born, she proved to be a great eater. We had ZERO problems. All of those nightmare stories of teaching the baby how to eat, of low supply, of painful feedings...I had none of it. We were off to a great start.

And then about a month later, I noticed that a mass had formed in my right breast. I googled (like I had time to go to a doctor???) and learned that these are common in new moms, and that it's usually a clogged duct. So I read up on ways to solve the problem at home and tried them. 2 weeks later, the mass had grown and was accompanied by redness and swelling. I went to the doctor, was put on antibiotics for a possible infection. Another 10 days went by with no improvement, and I was back to the doctor again. This time, they decided to schedule a biopsy. I went in for the biopsy and they discovered it was all backed up milk product, so the the doctor drained it, and told me to keep nursing, that Mia should be able to work the rest of it out. Hooray! A plan! But it came right back, larger and more painful than before. Last Monday, I was back in general surgery again. Once again they drained it and sent me home, after I made an appointment to come back in another 2 weeks to check the site again.

This time I didn't make it to two weeks. I was back in today, where I was diagnosed with an infection at the site of the draining. I'm back on antibiotics, but more importantly, this time they sent a sample of both the fluid and some tissue down to pathology to find the root of the problem. And then he gave me three stitches so that the draining site heals properly this time.

It has taken almost 2 1/2 months to get to this point. Every time the mass came back, it was larger and gradually more uncomfortable. After the last draining, one week ago, it flat out hurt. At 6am on Sunday morning, I was nursing Mia, and crying. I had an epiphany. This was nuts. Mia was fussing and squirming when she ate from the right side, making me think that she was having a hard time getting the milk she needed. I was in constant discomfort, sometimes pain. Drainings weren't doing any good, since the milk immediately clogged up again. The fact that I was crying while taking care of my baby was a huge sign that I had reached some sort of impasse.

So on Sunday, I switched my baby girl to formula. I cried on and off for several hours while trying to accept the decision. At 2:00pm, Kevin fed her her first formula bottle, and I cried through that whole thing, too. I felt tremendous guilt, that I was giving up and not doing what was "best for the baby." The logical part of me understood that I needed to take care of myself, so that I was able to take care of her. The logical part understood that there are millions of formula fed babies who live happy, healthy lives. I was only breast fed until 3 months. I knew that the decision was ultimately the best for me and the best for Mia. But the emotional side? The emotional side was a wreck. I felt like a failure. I felt like I wasn't able to provide for my baby. I felt like I was giving up. I think it's the hardest decision I've had to make so far as a mommy.

But you know what? It's been 2 days and Mia is 100% totally, completely, fine. She already knew how to eat from the bottle and she seems to really like the taste of the formula. The transition has been a lot harder for me than it has been for her. I'm still wrestling with some lingering guilt, but it's fading.

I haven't written about this up to this point, because most of this blog is about happy baby pictures and I wasn't sure I wanted to document this part of the journey. And I typically like to resolve things on my own, and not share it here. But I think it's important to write about this transition, too. Especially since this is something the baby books don't teach you. Sure, "breast is best"...except when it's not. And when it's not, that should be okay, too.

So over the last couple days, I've reached the place where I've decided to refocus some of the attention on my own needs. Taking time, of course, to make sure my healthy, happy, 3 1/2 month old baby girl gets her formula bottles.